Four things I wish Twitter had rules against

1 Jul

What a happy whale! (For a failure.)

I enjoy Twitter. I’m glad people who aren’t complete spammers have decided to follow me. Because of this, and because I’ve seen my fair share of nincompoopish tweets, I try to ensure my tweets typically include at least one of the following:

  • Humor: I’d say I’m 50/50 here to my readers. I’m definitely running more like 90/10 for how many of my own tweets I’ve found hilarious, though. So that’s a win. Sort of.
  • Information: Honestly, I don’t do this very much. By the time I read someone else’s tweet with information like “Hey, Woot is selling the Kindle for $150,” it’s been sold out for at least 2 hours.
  • A Named Recipient: The conversations I have on Twitter are the most enjoyable, I think. A simple @ can make or break someone’s day. I try only to practice the former. Sometimes I go after @reagent though. But that’s only because his smart ass deserves it.
  • A Link to Something Awesome: A couple times, I’ve shared a link that I found cool and, magically, other people found it equally cool, as well. Whenever I’m turned onto awesome things that I didn’t know existed, it makes me feel happy that the Internet exists. Mostly because there are so many MORE times when I click on a link someone has shared (or re-shared, or re-re-shared) only to be disappointed.
  • Images: People like pictures. I sure do! (Think of me saying that “shore” instead of “shrr” — wait, don’t. Damnit.) As long as they’re not pictures of traffic.

Which leads me to the point of this little post. Here are four things I wish the Twitter community wouldn’t allow.

  1. Taking pictures of traffic. Why must you tweet about congestion on the roadways? I know you’re stuck in traffic. I might be, too. But while I’m trying to distract myself, I don’t want to be reminded of where I’m at! I want to escape, man! Give me a break. (The only acceptable picture of traffic is when you are capturing a scene that could plausibly be on America’s Funniest Home Videos — like a man whose comb over is blowing in the wind while he proudly drives a convertible that’s too small for him. Arguably this isn’t a picture of traffic, though, but, instead, of something universally laughable.)
  2. Philosophical and inspirational sayings. Just cool it, Socrates.
  3. “That is all.” When I run across someone who says something — which almost ALWAYS is either (a) a rant about something or (b) a praise about someone — and then closes with “that is all,” I just imagine the tweeter smiling smugly and thinking, “Boy, I really said everything I needed to say in those 140 characters. Punctuating my statement with ‘That is all’ really drives home how succinctly I [ranted or praised] in that tweet.”  Cut it out already. And no “kthnxbye” substitutes allowed, either.
  4. Re-tweeting references to yourself. If you’re super popular and people are tweeting about you and the amazing things you’re doing, and then you re-tweet it, your amazingness factor degrades. How could it not? Imagine if you were talking to someone and tried to pull that narcissistic tomfoolery. It would go like this:
    • P1:  Hey, I just donated $20 to the Sweet Cupcake fund to save all the children on Earth.
    • P2:  That’s awesome! Keep up the great work!
    • P1:  That IS awesome! I WILL keep up the great work!
    • P2:  ….

And since I’ve written this, if you’re compelled to follow me on Twitter, I demand you hold me to the aforementioned characteristics I attempt to include in my tweets and the four crucial faux pas I hope never to include. Really, it’s all our duties as Twitter users to keep the community as free of lame as possible.

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